Contemplating in Hawaii

Me 7 years ago in Hawaii, surrounded by beauty and not carrying it with me


You know how tweens and teens know EVERYTHING?
When asked or reminded about something, mine respond with “I KNOW!”
To which my response is, “knowing isn’t the problem, doing is.”
Well, as we sometimes do as parents, I found myself choking on my own words…

I was a business owner, yoga teacher, personal growth coach, and a mom.  It was literally my JOB to lead people out of suffering and into serenity, ease, and good humaning.
(Yes, humaning can be a verb!)
I was good at it.  I had helpful perspective, loads of knowledge, and countless effective skills & techniques.  I was helping people, and it felt really good!

Yet quietly and gradually my life became unmanageable.
My energy was tanked.  I was avoiding people and responsibilities.  My finances and relationships were suffering.  I hadn’t realized how much of myself I had lost.

How in the actual heck did I get here?!
I had the skills.  I KNEW they worked, because I watched them create better lives for others.  I practiced them myself… so what the @!#&% was going on?!

No problem is isolated.  A problem in one area bleeds into all aspects of our life.
And at some point,  you lose so much blood you end up in critical condition.

I was there.  I was at the point where I could no longer carry on as is.  I could admit the momming needed work.  Ok, so did the business owner.  I’m continuously learning and developing my yoga and coaching skills.  I sought help WHEN I needed it because I could see WHERE I needed it.
Or could I?

Here’s the deal y’all… it doesn’t matter how much knowledge or skill you have or even whether or not you’re applying it in your life!  It is easier to see what’s happening from the outside than from the inside.

A wise friend and physical therapist said to me, “We cannot effectively treat ourselves.  Just because I provide the treatment doesn’t make me exempt from needing the treatment, and that needs to come from an objective source.”

We all need objective outside help.  Ideally, we’re willing to lean into it BEFORE we hit critical status.
The trippy thing was that I WAS leaning into outside help, and in more than one way.  And I KNEW change only comes from the inside out – ultimately, I had to be the source of the change.  So, again, what the f***?!

I’ll kill the suspense and just give you the answer… 

Two things created my situation:

  1. I wasn’t leaning into the PROPER support ENOUGH.
    I was still trying to manage (some would say control) the process and outcome too much myself.
  2. I was not focused ENOUGH on MY part, MY contributions to my situation.
    My attention drifted too often to others’ contributions (or lack thereof).

I had to surrender and trust.
I had to lean on an intangible power greater than myself.
I had to admit I didn’t have answers, and ask for them to be revealed.
And then I had to wait.

Again, this wasn’t shocking news.  I knew it was true (remember choking on my own words).  I even had prayer and meditation practices to live this truth.  Yet I was holding back in them.  Ironically, trying to protect myself from disappointment, failure, fear (etc) and ultimately success.
It really is true that what annoys us about others exists in ourselves, because I can easily recognize obstinance!!

“Though we travel the world to find beauty, we must carry it with us or we find it not.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Replace “beauty” in Ralph’s statement with anything – anger, contentment, fear, courage, love – and it holds true.
We are a source of what surrounds us.  We are with ourselves wherever we go, even in our escapes – ESPECIALLY in our escapes.  There is no “destination cure” – no effective hiding place!

So here I am, refocused, leaning fully into the proper support and feeling relief.  Balancing knowing with faith, and action with surrender – admittedly in some moments better than others.
Waiting time is not wasted time . . .
Chapter 2 to be revealed!

Much love, Suzanne


May we courageously change what we can, and graciously accept what we can’t.
May we keep what’s ours, and leave what’s not.
And may we have the wisdom to know the difference.

May we trust in something greater than ourselves.
May we seek to understand over being understood.
And may we prioritize peace over happiness.

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